I don’t think I’ve ever felt this lost in my entire life. I’ve loved before, sure. Have I ever really been in love though? The answer to that question would be, no. A big part of me believes that you are the one who taught me what being in love with someone really feels like. We broke up two months ago. Did I kiss other girls? Yeah of course. Did I try talking to new people to try and move on? Well yeah. Because you had already found someone a long time ago and I was tired of feeling the way I was feeling. I tried so hard to be positive and I tried so hard to be strong. But now here I am. Lost. I guess this was the phase I skipped and it’s hitting me now all at once. So much has happened since the break up between us. And my life drastically changed.
I knew that it was going to be hard seeing you happy with someone else. But I never thought it would be this hard. And now… I guess you miss me, and you want to try and work this out between us. I waited so long to hear you say those words to me. But… is it too late now? Has too much occurred for my heart and my head to even begin to process and digest? In a sense, absolutely. If we get back together, images of you two kissing and having sex will replay in my head for hours. I’ll be terrified that this could happen again. Or that you would cheat on me. I’ll be so paranoid. I don’t want to hurt again like this. I don’t think I would be able to handle it.
I love you. I can’t deny that. We had our lives planned out. We were ready. Or at least I thought we were. But kissing other girls or talking to other girls just wasn’t the same. It wasn’t you. It wasn’t the same. The affection was nice. But I wish it was coming from you. I don’t know what to do. Do I take this risk? Or do I not take this risk and always wonder “what if I did” for the rest of my life?
God damnit. Give me a sign.
Stop asking me to trust
you while I’m still coughing
up water from the last time
you let me drown.